By Jayne Jones - Counsellor & Hypnotherapist
Clients come to me with different issues and the majority of them tell me that they worry. Think about all the scenario’s you run through your head when you are thinking about how to deal with a situation. It’s like watching lots of different endings to a film and you just don’t know which ending will come true, so you go from one scenario to the next, thinking of worse and worse endings until you believe you are living in some kind of horror movie. In reality, it is very rare that your worst ending will come true, so why do we torture ourselves?
Why do we worry?
Worrying is normal – it protects us from harm. If we can work through scenarios we tell ourselves that we are prepared for anything. We even tell ourselves that “if I think of the very worst thing that can happen, then anything else is a bonus”. There is some truth to that but we have already put ourselves through the traumatic emotion of a worst case scenario which makes the actual ‘ending’ less pleasurable. Life then becomes a series of ‘phew’ moments rather than the pleasures it should be.
Problems arise when the scenarios we are thinking of become completely unrealistic and frightening, and sometimes we spiral into trying to think of ever-worse scenarios, never letting the last really bad one be the last really bad one!
We all worry, but it’s our ability to tell ourselves to stop worrying and then actively do it which is our power. We therefore need to work with our worry to control it, then we can tell it to shut up on command and it will listen.
Worrying as a tool
If we consider that worrying is a protective state, then we need to use that to its full advantage. To use your worry in a constructive way, the first action is to say to yourself – “Right, I will think of three ways that this can go and that is all”. Then really give some time and energy to your thoughts.
Actively worry – write down the worry and your three scenarios – but only do three, and only do it for an allotted time – no more than an hour. Your active worrying should be a ‘job’ that you actively do, while doing nothing else.
When you have worked out your three scenarios, do something physical. It can be anything – housework, going for a walk, doing something creative, cooking - but when you take on that task, give everything you have to it so your worry brain is not engaged in anything else.
Concentrate deeply on the task in hand, concentrate on shining the taps, look at nature on your walk, watch the wool magically weave around the needles when knitting, or use all your senses around the food you are preparing. If your mind wanders, then try another task until your brain is quiet while you are doing your physical task. At no point should you be able to think clearly about anything except your task.
The purpose of this is to train your brain to only worry when it is actively engaged in that 'Active Worrying' task. Eventually the worry work will become a more constructive action and not something your brain just goes into through fear. When you are in control of your worrisome thoughts, you can tell your brain to stop until you find the time to actively worry. You may even get to the point where you can worry for such a short time that when something pops into your mind, you work through the worse case scenario in a matter of minutes and then get on with your life.
Training your mind to worry at set times will prevent your fearful thoughts, anxiety and worry from spiralling. You will be able to take control of your mind, and dispel the thoughts that are not beneficial to you.
It will take time
You have been worrying for quite some time so don’t expect this to be an instant fix. When we first learn anything we have to give it our full attention until its easy. This is no different. In time, you will learn to control your worry, but it won’t happen overnight. To be honest, you probably won’t even notice it happening at all – you will ease so gently into a new way of thinking that you will more than likely not even believe you could have ever been so worried about anything at all.
Your plan to actively worry
It’s such a simple plan you may not even think it will work, but follow it closely and you will see results:
1. Plan your time to worry.
It can be as soon as you start to worry – there’s no time like the present – or if you have an event coming up that you are concerned about, plan some time to think through all the issues that you know will arise for you. This is especially useful if you are someone that will convince themselves 'not' to do something that will be good for you to do.
2. Actively worry – for no longer than an hour.
It is incredibly important that you have a set time and you do not exceed it. Take a notepad and pen and write down your worry. Then write the first ‘worse case scenario’ and everything around that. Then do the same for the second and a third. Do no more than 3 scenarios.
3. Actively mitigate
Once you have your list of 3 worse case scenarios, work through each one, creating mitigating actions for each of them. These are the things you can do to alleviate those worries when they occur.
For example: A common fear of social anxiety is being surrounded by people and feeling like there is no way out. A mitigating action would be to identify the exits and stay close to them, knowing you can ‘escape’ at any time.
4. Do something constructive
Your brain fires in different areas during different activities. When you are actively worrying neurotransmitters that foster fear emotions increase. To clear out that pool of festering negative emotions we must change the energy flow in our brain. This is why it is very important to do something physically active after our active worrying session.
Physical activity naturally raises the positive neurotransmitters in the brain, making us feel better so we are literally training your brain in a task-reward way. We are saying that you can do something taxing, and do it well, and after that we are going to give it something good. Eventually your brain will associate the constructive thinking of active worrying with a positive reward. Preparing the good emotions in readiness, meaning your worry will be less of a nose-dive into depression and more of a preparation for feeling great!
4. Review your progress
Once you have experienced the worry that you have worked on, review what happened. See how you coped and if you needed to use those mitigating actions that you wrote down. If it helps, write a positive review of how you coped and how you feel when you think of what you have achieved. If you do this, do not write anything negative. You cannot move forward if you pull yourself back with negative words or thoughts. “I did it, and I can do it again” should become your mantra.
Get support.
While this is a great blog that will help you a lot (of which I am confident), while you are starting out with your journey to build your confidence and lessen your anxiety, support from a professional is highly recommended. This support is essential while you find your way. Whatever support you seek and for however long you can seek it for (it could be one session, or many), putting the foundation firmly in when you are finding ways to change is key to ensuring that change can last.
I am happy to help you with your journey, but also happy if you choose to take that journey with another professional. All I ask is that you get good support.
Jayne Jones
BSc(Hons) Psych (Open), Cert.Couns.Studies, S.N.H.S H.I.Dip. (Naturopathy)
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